It shouldnt be wow.. But it is. The last two months have been very unique and eye opening (!closing.). For some one who usually reflects his thoughts as it is in each and every deed, life stood still when he wasnt able to do so. You may term it as a repercussion of being bipolar, but one of my good friend says whatever science and chemical names you stitch to it, those were still triggered by your thoughts – most of which are from the part of the brain over which you dont normally have a control – (SUB)-conscious.I couldnt disagree with her.
For all those who met me after a break you must be surprised rather shocked to find a zoombie wrapped in the shape of the Deepak you have known. A rare few might have ascribed it to my usual mood swings. I bet its not the usual one, because in these days I struggled even to recollect the names of people whom I interact with each other. And I struggled a lot to think. I can blame it on my job, my friends, or my parents who were reminding me of my duties some of which I dont have intent to do. And when I realised I have been and will have to do most of them, my mind realised/interpreted that it was living in a utopian world with a illusionary vision. My deeds or the lack of it also supported it.This almost froze my mamallian brain and gave up the fight to sustain.
I knew that I will be out of this some time, through some triggers. I tried to plant lot of triggers all of which appeared artificial , which backfired by increasing the illusionary effect. When I went straight back to home from US, I was almost incredible for my mom. I did things which surprised her and when I went back again with a flu within a week, I was again incredible for her. She was shocked because I didnt do things , even those which she normally expects me to do.
I knew the reason was the environment, and immediately shifted my environment as soon as returned back to Chennai. Moreover there was one big and good loss(?/gain) which I am not going to make public. But it was that loss which affected me more. It’s something which cant be replaced,but its something which is good to lose, which I chose to lose to get rid of the illusionary effects. Dont assume you know me and make wild guesses – I bet you cant guess it for I never proclaimed the possession of it to you.
No matter how hard I tried to be myself, it ended up artificial and created more dents. So I stopped trying and ran with the flow for a while with a hope that there will be a *trigger* to swap states soon. Nothing came in until this evening. This evening I started early from office, my landlord greeted me with the flipkarts books. I thought that would trigger – Nigh. She realised that I am bored and gave me some good movies. Nope – I am not able to concentrate even for a minute, dont pull me for hours. That didnt.
I started to walk as usual. I had the intent to buy certain things, but I was in no mood to converse forget about haggling. So I skipped the shops I should have entered. That didnt trigger as well. It was those moments in Odyessey where I laid my eyes on a ordinary book with an extraordinary title “What children may ask!” – It was a compilation of questions asked by a child to the mom by the mom. Nothing was great about it, except that it was genuine! Oh being genuine is a luxury or a quality which has to be earned. Having missed it all along in this stint,that breeze of genuiness in those questions blew some gentle air in to my thoughts. I felt my mind being emptied of the fears I had. I felt the flow of thoughts which came naturally as they would without me forcing anything. I felt I could remember things which happened years ago – good things! I felt as if I had an extra pair of eyes when I observed the wonderful lives around me.
Is it just the poshness of Anna Nagar? Nope I thought anna nagar would fix it, but it didnt do that for a month. If I could know the reason for this liberation, I could try saving me from future frustrations. Well I had plans and have plans to be myself. I should thank my friends and colleagues who kept bearing me for the sake of guy I used to be. I might have not honoured some of your requests or rights. I have my reasons – but sorry is ‘due.’
One of my friend refered to a blog post which claimed that “I am nothing” and dont try to act like something which you neednt be. When you want to be a good husband and you couldnt, you hurt yourself. So that author recommended to say to yourself “You neednt be a great husband” and be complacent with yourself. Yes Selfishness is part of us(!!??? anyone who_is_a_parent will disagree with this).
But still I figured out, one neednt try to be something. Just empty the mind and opening it up, will let the environment/nature/universe program it with the thoughts your brain wanted to take in. That just isnt a easy process – atleast for me!
These are the times I believe in destiny and divinity.