June 19 2006 – I was naive. I didnt know what is structure padding or computer science in general. But I was all like a Neil Armstrong entering the lunar mission with the hope of building a revolutionary product. I was mad after my desires naming it as passion.I still didnt know whether I made a good choice or gave up good choices which came my way.But a young man is always happy to chase his love , even if it is ‘bad’ in others eyes. So must be it.
I had to believe in destiny,because my protests didnt get me to where I wanted to be, but to where I should have been. Yes working in a open environment was much enthralling and exposing than working with a proprietary IDE. At work I was lucky to have a good mentor during my initial days.Indeed I was a good code churning machine during my first two years.I never worked for the bosses even when the culture demanded so. But whenever there is something challenging to rise my abilities, I always mustered my powers and even burned my midnight oil to just prove myself that I am greater by beating the challenge and acquiring the knowledge. But perfection is far from my portfolio,I dont produce good documents or take enough pains to complete a task.My strengths are in adventurous excavations and diving in to deep blue ocean of unknown, and setting things up. I am not a good finisher.
As year 1 and 2 rolled, I was still hopeful of the mission launch and was preparing for it.Indeed I got close to one of them and I was tricked to think that it was the rocket science I wanted to explore. I did launch the rocket and returned to normal machine’s mission. As I stand and look back at the past, there is no glory, only gory details.The hope of a lunar mission is marked as out of the scope of the agency I am with.If you dont do them , why do you pose to do so?.The knowledge I acquired in the last year, makes me trust the misquote “IGNORANCE IS BLISS”.
Should I count it as an awareness and trigger the awakening? The anger is not against them but its within me and because of me.I was sailing in this boat, to this ocean with a hope of catching a ship/shore. The hope kept me sailing in to unknown territories. I have learned about the water but not enough swimming to set me on my own. Today I am without a direction and desire, a dangerous state for a human to be – without interests.I dont like to trudge along and keep my head above the waters.
This anguish, dark knowledge makes me feel a vacuum. I know how structures are stored in memory now and what computer science is. But I dont feel the science when I apply it in everyday work.Instead of respecting work my tribe respects what work brings to them.
HOPE is one string which attached me to this boat and now I am deprived of it too. May be its depressing to write this or read it but internally I feel happy to lose that hope! I am not a rebel who is against all the systems, I just desire the system to make sense in every command it asks us to do for I believe in meaning behind every deeds.If you know me, and if you have read this understanding what I mean,watch out whats happening with me.It could be the way in which revolutionaries are made. Or it could be also the way in which day dreamers awaken to reality.Watch out! June-19 2011 is a bitter-sweet day!