Felt an heavy dose of turbulence in the last week. There is a huge gap between what I want to be and what I am in my professional career. But all along I had a feeling that I am moving towards to it. Inspite of my laziness and limited accomplishments I used to carry an unassuming confidence,excitement and inquisitive curiosity to explore different things. And that has been the exact disadvantage all these days. Since I spill my brains easily I get enthused by every passing web page draining my persistence in each of them. But I was happy and super glad about it since It gave me wonderful dreams while sleeping and not sleeping.
Programming devices without abstraction was a kind of fantasy to me. I call it more as an infatuation,because I developed this desire somewhere in my second year at college. I was awaiting microprocessor classes and I still remember the pages of Gaonkar and Hall which I used to cherish reading alone in the empty terraces of college. But I havent converted those energy in to some working model. That is where I lagged. I couldnt land in to the same domain at work and I might be thankful for it now. After four years in to professional career I got an opportunity to work with such things. Only despair was there was no work to do all along. Though I can claim enough reasons , to get rid of blames from my head , at the end its me who is affected.
When you find yourself not capable of identifying certain issues, when you are at the destination and dont feel the joy of reaching there – Its a difficult situation which I am yet to handle with grace. I looked back and saw a void in the path and the whole journey had no traces of loyalty to the various interests I followed. Few instances in that ‘present’ made me feel very bad. Though I am adept at reading people to an extent, I am naive in dealing with them. I reflect my thoughts in my actions and live an open life without abstractions. That led me to lot of problems and I am thinking of containing certain things within myself. I dont know whether thats good or bad but thats needed. There at that moment I felt the hypocrisy which is so prevalent. It was quite a difficult period where I was devoid of hope.
I write this up here for me to smile at it at a different phase of this life cycle where I would have found answers for it. I am quite lagging in time with what I want to be for myself and that piles up huge pressure. I want life to be good not only for me but for people around me. It may seem quite like an tamil heros wish but I feel everyone should be valued at their worth and must have their primary rights. I see people compensating their rights and wishes for compensations:(. When I rise up against that , I get the tag “IDEAL” and I get hit hard. Most people curse me warning that I wont survive or continue with this attitude once I have more familiar responsibilities to an adult.But I know the way to make it possible and know the ways through which it cannot be reached. Knowing both I should keep each step in this journey without worrying about the path it leads to for a while.
Persistence and loyalty are two traits which I should acquire. I am going to contain my enthusiasm and express it at appropriate moments. My TODO list contains certain tasks which are hanging out there for almost three years. In moments of despair it is these little things which pushes me to depression. Mistakes I have made many! I want to grow up soon! This post and this thoughts makes me feel like a kid!But again I love kids:)