Truly Madly Deeply!

Though I used to brag that I am in love with her to my friends I used to have some misgivings inside my mind whether it is also a kind of infatuation. I might have attracted to her since I got an acquaintance with her.

But today I had this revelation – that i cant think of a life without her. Yes today, I am going to my native after about 100 days (All these days I have procrastinated it for making something beautiful for her ). But this time there is  a function at home and since I cant stand the anger and anguish(Not theirs but my ears’ pain when i hear them exhorting me to come) of my parents anymore. So its decided that I will be leaving to my native in two hours.

But then these stream of thoughts were trickling through my nerves in the morning. All these days I have  modelled my life to see her smiling by doing some favours for her. At most times I have failed,only to see her not getting  compiled or she is much demanding so that i have to run around looking for various packages to run my life. She is hard to please for sure. But in the process i felt that I am attaining the purpose of my life by getting to know how everything works in her world. She is very open and thats what attracted me. And last week when we made some violent love she was hurt and thats when i decided that I should no more hurt her.:)

Then we sat together and spoke for hours and decided to adopt a baby – from here and play with it. The little baby was amazing. Its parents have brought that up with a great vision in mind. But the sail is not smooth. The baby is refusing to stay with us. So we both are working in creating a comfortable home for the baby. Over the last two days  we were progressing towards it. Even my neighbhour was interested in this process and joined hands with us. Life was just blossoming. But lot needs to be done. Now at this juncture I got be away from them for two days. At first I didnt think that its going to be a tough task. But today while working , she suddenly got fainted and I couldnt work after that. I tried some medication with little knowledge of mine but that didnt help. She has got wounds in one of the areas where we were exploring these week and I couldnt stand to see her suffering. So I left office and was filled with thoughts about her and her wreckage. I know I couldnt sleep will still she is recovered. And i got to wait two days to do that. I want to say to her things will be fine and we will have good time with our baby. It was during this time I had realised that this isnt an infatuation. May it have started like that but now I live my life for her.

She is my hope

She is my wish

She is my fantasy

She fills my dreams

She is my reason for living  [K  this parody doesnt seem to come to nice..so pasting below the original ]

I want to stand with you on a mountain.
I want to bathe with you in the sea.
I want to lay like this forever.

Yes I have that dream of being strong in linux internals and making life better for myself and other by making linux better.In recent days I have got some leads in this process and it might take long hours and days to convert them in to action.I am just bluffing this out in this space. I have even stronger thoughts to express but got a bus to catch. Hope this brief separation is necessary to let make our bond even stronger. Let me see how successful I am when I start making  love again after a two days span. Till then I am gonna be recharged by the love of my parents and friends.

I want to stand with you on a mountain, [A conference]
I want to bathe with you in the sea.[A hackers workshop]

Wish me good luck!

Truly Madly Deeply in love with my computer and linux!

Thanks to ashokjjr for taking me to those savage  lines and these world

Happiness!

Happiness alais satisfaction whatever we may term it, it has been the motivator of all the individuals in this world. Some find happiness in others well being (a mother in her childs) and some find happiness in others downfall.All such external motives reduces to a feeling of elation or satisfaction which the individual yearns for. Every one  has the   right to chose is his own form and source of happiness.

And the world is equally filled with worries. Every people has their own bag of worries. But the quality of life is determined by the ability of yours , which keeps that bag aside and fill your day with joy. Whatver must be our motive happiness is derived from an action. Be it watching a movie /dating a girl/building a application , the happiness is felt when an action is done. Action is a reflection of your thoughts. Thoughts are derived from your past experience and desires. Desires are derived from your objectives. Objectives are those which can make you feel happy. The process from the desire to action is the path and pursuit of happiness (Well I write this entry because I am going to watch it today!). When a desire fail to makes you happy it ends up being a source of gloom.

To be happy one must have a control over his desires . The probablity of being happy increases with the number of desires and so as the probability of worries. The  path from desire to action determines the probability of happiness.

So its evident happiness can be achivied easily from the inner self rather than seeking it from the external world. I have wondered why it was difficult for me than most of fellow beings to be happy. It took me this analysis to find out that I have more desires which doesnt have a path from desire to action which reduced my probability of happiness.

By applying little more maths and estimating whether the  probability of happiness or the probability of desire dominates in a particular desire, one can winnow out the desires tilted towards worries.Happiness is one word which has varied meaning depending on the people who intpret them. When two different people intpret the same meaning it becomes difficult for them to get a share of theirs in it.

Chose your meaning! Mine is action . I was worried at my depriciating writing skills since i havent wrote anything for a while and this entry is to boost my level of happiness:)

Fountain Head! Catherine Vs Dominque

Peter Keating is  a rising architecht who works with the most coveted Guy Francons firm. Catherine was his college time sweet-heart whom he seeks only when he feels that himself as worthless creature. Catherine had been very considerate to him accepting him as he was – perhaps the kind of true love what the literatures preach us.

Domnique is the only daughter of Pete’s boss Guy Francon. The father and the daughter werent good ont terms but the paternal affection insists to do some good for the daughter.One need not tell a career focussed Pete – the kind of goods he will earn if he gets a hold on his boss’s daughter. But Domnique seems to be a puzzle for most (Well not to me:)) doing weird things at strange places.She works for the bullshit newspaper (akin to our modern age media – sure she is not Bharka Dhutt).She speaks straight out of heart and always makes it difficult for people to speak with her.None of our mothers will ratify the proposal to marry such a girl. She says that she doesnt have an ambition because that will make her a slave to this world.

Thats Domnique and Catherine for you. Well I am no Peter to select one of the two:). But Peter knows very well that he will make a better choice in Catherine but at the same time he needs to fulfill the wish of his boss. That shows Peter his more concerned about his job than his life partner.

Well if you are reading all the way down here just to know whether I want a Catherine or Domnique let me tell you that i always want a Domnique not because she can give me a partnership in her dad’s firm but because of the fact that she is a firm lady who knows where her head and legs rest.

Pay it forward

The moment i saw Kevin Spacey with an unusual makeup, giving out an inspiring lecture at the start of the movie – i was aware that i am going to watch movie which i will cherish for a lifetime.

Pay it forward — is a movie about what Trevour- a seventh grade student did for the social studies class handles by Eugene [Kevin]. Well the class begun like this with Kevin asking question about what the world means to the student. Oh the world means different things for different people in the class. For one it was the mall and for a child the world was limited to his house/street or town. [Even for a grown up for me - I feel that the world i live in seems to be small] And he also warns the students that the world is going to be  a big disappointment unless they change the way it is.

So he hands out an assignment to do something to make the world a better place. Master Trevour takes it hard and aspires to score an A in it. He drafts a plan to help three people and will aske them to help three more.As a start he brings in a slum dweller to his home and gives him his saving, that helps him land in a job. He tries to do some good to his mom and teacher by arranging a date for them.

That turns out to be a social movement with several acts of strangers help stranger. A journalist tracks the orgin of the movement to the child and takes him to fame. But before he could make it happen the fiction maker twist the tale a little to get the message hard in to our souls.

I was awestuck for most part of the movie which had profound dialagues sprinkled across at regular intervals. Also I foundn the back ground score to be very pleasant only later to learn that it was done by Thomas Newman. Kevin Spacey plays the role of teacher who has penchant for words  and teaching. Though he is passionate about his profession he  keeps that within limits.

Also he shares the same thought of me about marriage [That was picturised as fear in the movie. ] when he  refrains from Helen fearing that it would make him loose his manageable life.

“I have a  thing to do everyday and i do it.. i have a routine.. As long as I do it i am happy!”

Why do men make their life complicated by inviting a women to their life.? Cant we be happier without that stuff and family?

Though Trevor seems to be the title character of the movie Kevin’s was also equally inspiring and impressive. This movie was a real feel gooder and made my week end a better one. I was so impressed with the defintion for ‘HELP’ given in it. Trevor says that HELP is something which you do to someone, which can not be done by them for themselves. It was only yesterday I was brainstorming with a friend of mine on what kind of help we could do to this society without hurting ourselves.

And this movie also increased my intention to be a teacher at the latter stage of my life for i beleive it to the most powerful and noble profession. I love the way thoughts flow out of an unadulterated young mind and wont it be a nice experience to live among it.

Later i traced the route of Pay it forward to Benjamin franklin  and wikipedia will do a better job than me in explaining the philosophy behind it.

When someone does you a big favor, don’t pay it back … Pay It Forward.

I would rate this movie on par with Good will hunting!

Beautiful Lies

Project 6 Vocal Variety

• Use voice volume, pitch, rate and quality to reflect and add meaning and interest to your message.
• Use pauses to enhance your message.
• Use vocal variety smoothly and naturally.
• 5-7 min

All is fair in love and war – when they say so , could you get what makes them fair? The most essential ingredient in both this places is lie. When a young man meets his woman ; there are two ways to express his love. He could go straight to her and say “Hey I want to marry you” or express his wonder at her charm and plea her ” Oh Charming young lady, I ha vent seen a beauty as beautiful as you. Will you marry me!”

Respected President , Toastmaster of the day fellow toastmasters and distinguished guests ,  I am going to share with you more Beautiful lies like that today. Looking back neither the guy was blind nor the girl was dumb to fake reality. They knew the reality but the little lie has made the moment for them. More larger moments like this are made out of little lies like it.

What is a lie? A lie is something which you tell someone knowing that its not true. Do you agree with this definition. I don’t.There is a possibility of lying even by telling the truth. Last week when my mom asked where I had been, I told her that i had been to the park. But what I refrained was the fact that i had gone there with my girl friend. Philosophers call it Lying by omission. If I had told her the truth that would have caused tremors in both the relationships – the one b.w me and my mom and the the other between me and my girl friend.

You can find many such beautiful lies sprinkled along in our life.Why should a man lie ? Isnt amoral or morally reprehensible.? When i think of lies in my life i couldn’t stop thinking of my dad. He is the one who lied me all through the course of the life.

When I was put in my kg, I cried to my dad “Dad I am not happy with the school. I will get back to home.I have lot of problems here!”. My Dad said ” Dont worry kid. This school is just for two years.After two years you will grow up and I will put you in a bigger school were you wont have any problems.”. Sure I did grew up and landed in the bigger school where the older problems vanished, but i had got even bigger new problems,particularly with mathematics.

Then days kept rolling and one fine day I got in to higher secondary. The entire family thronged in to my table and my Dad started ” Dude this is the most important phase of your life.If you work harder here the entire life will be a smooth sail for you. You need to score well to get in to a good college!” Well I belived his words rather lies and scored enough to get in to a reasonably good college.

May be I did not get in to the IIT’s but my problems would have been the same even if i had been there. I was thrown away from my home away from my loved ones and worst of all i was asked to take messy mess food.I went back to my dad and told him “Dad Why should I go there away from you. I need to be with you Dad.I dont deserve to be away from home”. My Dad again lied “Son, You must understand that you are growing up. You need to make a life on your own, for which you need a job and the job badly needs this degree. Go get crowned. You will make it beautiful in life”. I believed and came back and passed four years and landed up in a good job as told.

But only after coming up I understood that the job was not as good as it was told to be. Do you like yourself to be imprisoned inside the glass prison from  9 AM to 9PM listening to a grumpy boss? I went back to my Dad and suggested him rather i take up his business . He said “Son Be cool.This is the most important phase of your life. You need to make your own family and you need to get a good life which needs  a good wife. And a good wife demands a good job like yours.” That seemed like a truth to me.

But assume that I get married to the most cutest girl in the universe. I could envisage myself walking back to my Dad after a couple of months .Dad ” Why should share my time and space with a moron such as she. We dont have anything in common and  please get me a divorce”. My dad will be saying ” Son ! These are phases which everyone undergoes in life. Everything will be resolved once you get a kid”. I believe in him and walk back.

It happened I got a kid but only later to find out that he is the most mischievous kid in the world. I went back to my Dad ” Oh No Dad i am tired of this life. I was happy as a kid but now i couldn’t be myself. This kid has only aggravated our problems.I get lot of complaints about him . I need to do something!” . Dad said ” Don’t worry dear son! In a year he will be going to school.Put him prekg and your problems will be solved once he starts going to school.

I was dumb stuck “Dad are you the one saying it. Do you remember that all my problems started only from the day I entered that kinder garden.How can you ask me to do the same for my child “. My Dad had a smile and said “Son you got it! Thats life. My Dad asked me to do that and go and do that to your son.He will understand about it later in life”.

When i was back i stood apart and thought about the path I walked . It was really beautiful. I was a happy kid in the KG’s, hard working student in my school days, an inquistive teen at my college , been a passionate worker and a compassionate lover. All was possible only because my dad’s lies. When he lied to me , it was not that he was not aware of reality but he wanted to create a beautiful ambience for me where i could do my best without worrying about the results.The ultimate purpose of human life is to be happy and make the ones around you happy. And its not bad when you  achieve it with some Beautiful lies like these.

Thanks to my Dad and here i come my Son. ….

——————————————————————————————

Poems I read

I woke up two hours behind schedule and hence cancelled my morning sessions and set my mind on random browsing. And came across this poem!

As I Grew older!!

It was a long time ago.
I have almost forgotten my dream.
But it was there then,
In front of me,
Bright like a sun—
My dream.
And then the wall rose,
Rose slowly,
Slowly,
Between me and my dream.
Rose until it touched the sky—
The wall.
Shadow.
I am black.
I lie down in the shadow.
No longer the light of my dream before me,
Above me.
Only the thick wall.
Only the shadow.
My hands!
My dark hands!
Break through the wall!
Find my dream!
Help me to shatter this darkness,
To smash this night,
To break this shadow
Into a thousand lights of sun,
Into a thousand whirling dreams
Of sun!

I couldnt stop thinking of Obama as I read it.

Seasons in the sun!

Today was an important day in my chennai/KNBL life. We started off with six members in our room and today the count is three. I consider myself to be lucky to have the kind of friends and life at knbl for the past 2.5 years. Everyone was passionate about something (One or two were attending cupid’s call) and it was great fun and learning experience. This was possible only because we are located close to our house owner and their care and love for us.

We mingled well with then and their kids in specific(We are living with a to be IITian)  and even the grown ups in their house have the heart of a youngster. And our kitchen was supervised by the grand “PATTI” and they helped us a lot in our household so that we never felt that we were away from our families. It was bala who first put papers a year back followed by JP. Venky alice Maplai joined us after Jp’s departure and today Gopi and Rajesh left us.

But the ride hadnt been smooth althrough. Last two months had been tough because of excessive strength in our room. I am not against helping a friend of friend but one needs to take care that the flavour and the culture of the room should not be given up for friends. In that aspect today we are relieved a  bit since we could find some extra space for ourselves. Our manager wanted us to shift our systems to upstairs and create a office/lab kind of  feel. I have already set up my study table there (Completed Atlas Shrugged in it – what a way to innagurate it). I will aslo be shifting my system upstairs next week. We are now three in number and that will make our living costs increase by 70%;but thats worth the return we get it. Even then we have opened up invitation for laksram85 , ashokjjr and gobi gobi.

I am sure that i wont be shifting my base for the next 7-8 months provided i get enough scope within my current work. Almost after a year long gap I am resuming an aggresive phase of my life. Time and efficiency are two key things which can determine the feasibility of my goals. It will be great if any of the invited pals can get in to KNBL.

Gopi is an amazing friend for any one. We havent heard a hard word from him for the past two years. And I admire his caring nature and passion for linux. At the same time he is a lazy geek (Even more than me). I must thank him for the way he had been with us.

Rajesh – One guy who prefered to be alone among six members Rajesh- I am not sure whether you will get to read this. But I am putting my points candidly. Yes personally I had little bit wrath against you for not taking part in KNBL operation and having your bread unearned(I dont mean the money ..). But I must also put down one thing which i havent let you know personally. You are a gem of a person for a reason- you never entered others territory or disturbed us. Even when we didnt leave you any food for break fast or for dinner you never questioned us. That kind of tolerance is unique to you and i admired the same.

With that let me put two lines each for the remaining denizents of KNBL,

Manager:  He has big dreams and it has started coming true now. He is a champion in whatever race he chose to run. He runs a company and hence the name. But he is a man of jargons. That too from the management area (Oops! I dont want to hear that atleast for my life time:) ) An amazing individual from whom you can learn each and every second. He has big plans with KNBL and offers me too a coveted title even if i dont do a tad bit of work for him:)

Venky Alice Maplai: Offlate one would identify him as a body builder. I remember me opposing his inclusion citing his nick as a reason. But I am practised to use this maplai only because of him. Somehow before that i was not comfortable with using that word. This dude was also known as mahalakshmi of our room for he cleans the room every day and provides us bed time milk. But he is too having a thought of vacating KNBL for official reasons.

Except for the last one month the rest of the life in KNBL was a wonderful experience which I would relish throughout my life term. If even one of the invited friends join us, days ahead are going to be amazing in Varanam Ayirams terms “Life will be like a rock song”!

It was 201 in my college days and KNBL now!!Hoping for the same in my graduate school (!!!:):) ) and in life!

Atlas Shrugged — The last emperor

Well on world who celebrats devastation! I do agree AynRand and her readers will do when they were in the final chapters of the novel. Cant beleive that Hank made up his mind to quit. Hank was portrayed as  a person of perserverance but a question always remains till when can you be tenacious towards your thoughts. (Of course when to exit is very crucial question!)

Now I put these questions to myself (and to my readers if any:)),

1.What made Hank close to the metals?

2.And what made Hank give it up for Dagny?

3.And what made Hank to give up Dagny?

And finally whats his pursuit now when he is ready to give up everything? I got to chew this over today and continue on it.

Meanwhile the attack on formal education and parenting made me feel guilty. Ayn says when all other animals teach their offsprings their art of survival, we the humans curb the process of thinking when the child begins to think. “Dont do that..? Dont ask this?? ” As a child now I would accuse my parents for few things – numero one. 1. For guarding me in their shells. 2. Not letting me pose questions. As a child I was really troublesome . I remember once there was a discussion on state poltics in our home and my words (I must be 12-13 then ) evoked wrath of one of my relatives.

From then I was not allowed to get on to such discussions. I was made to belive that elders were always right! Now the aim of the post is to help me revisit Atlas Shrugged whenever I need na – Here is the gist – It seems that its going to be the end of the Hank era – the last emperror left in the whole world. The washington boys devise lot of plans and attempt either to pull him their side or acquire is wealth as a whole. But even they and Hanks family are aware that they can pull the strings together without Hank. There seems to be melodrama between hanks mother ex-wife and philip. But in no point Hank tries to acknowledge them. Hank is sure that his survival is the victory of his enemies and he is ready to give up. And hank meets a wounded wet nurse and theres were all the attack on school of thought is revealed.

The chapter closes with Hank being saved by Franscisco and the next chapter saying “This is JohnGalt Speaking “

PS: I almost gave up this book for the dull period – the time when cheryl and James were in center stage. With Dagny wanting to go back to the valley and Hank with all his realisation I thought there is nothing more to be offered. But I am reading it because these guys found the most interesting part of the book lies in the speech. leeme see

41st Toastmasters meet!

Change – that has been the theme of the day and to my surprise the meeting turned out to be an indicator of change! We were bit worried when Vivek told me that Nina,Ravi and Zac(Zac turned up..it was Viveks misinterpretation ) are not going to be in today. I thought we are going to be shot of evaluators and its going to be a dull meeting.

I was the toastmaster of the day – the pivotal role in any toastmasters meeting. I must admit that i didnt prepare well for the role. RamPrasad was the stand in S&A – he opened the meeting and passed the podium to the president in charge Vivek. Vivek spoke about Chandrayan and toastmasters. He appears to be a perfect cast for this acting president role. When i think of what kind of change toastmasters bring in to a person, I always get this friend of mine as a testimonial for it. He walked down without even speaking for two minutes for one of his early projects, but today he is speaking instantly like a seasoned speaker. I admire him for his commitment and the kind of effort he puts in.

Then its me taking the centre stage (Its tough when you speak and  analyse yourself at the same time..I just got to reserve that analysis part for a latter time). After doing usual greetings and formal introduction I tried to get some attention . I tore a piece of paper and later took a hundred rupees note and tried to tear it. I told people that neither me nor anyone can do it since we treat that piece of paper in a different way. I wanted to bring their focus on the mental changes we undergo and how we pereceive them . We had a very seasoned toastmasters from Chennai toastmasters TM RK Raman  as general evaluator (Lucky we!). I sure made things little bit difficult for him calling him ahead of joke master. But he is an exorable guy who didnt mind those. His way of doing things inspired me and I dreamt that one day down the lane I will also be like him!

We had Vivek come in as Joke Master. He took some funny moments from his real life and attempted to bring in humour.Krishna Prasad did  his project two and I would say he is a seasoned speaker. I like the way he attracted some attention by repeating some key moments in the speech. He has a flawless language and once he acquires a flair in speaking he is going to be amazing to watch and hear! TM RajManohar did his project four and that man is really wealthy;If information is wealth he is the richest person among the toastmasters. He spoke about the climatic changes and the need for renewable energy.His speech was filled with lot of facts!

Then came the mind boggling table topics session. That was handled again by a master of art TM Hari Kumar.He has his own way of doing things and leaving a strong impression of him among us.If you havent attended todays meeting, I swear that you missed soemthing great in life. I liked the way he picked the speakers. He first called out who got married recently and gave him “Was your marriage a perfect mismatch”.

“Was your appointment a  complete disappointment !”

“One can learn from history that its not possible to learn from history”

“Win the battle and lose the war”

“Change is the only constant”

“Black man in a white house”

“PG wodehouse adviced that one should not advice others ” – gosh its only from Raman I learned that advice can be spelt as advise and advice and the difference the spelling makes to it.

We had a good round of evaluations followed by postmeeting discussions. I felt like this was one of the better meetings of club despite the absence of key members . We would have to work on memberships to make it more lively.  To sum up.. yet another beautiful evening were i took home lot of memories and learnings!

Testimonials:

Gaurav was saying to TM Hari ” I wish that you be the Table topic master everytime..You make it feel very comfortable sir”

I am looking forward the day when I darn the mistakes and do the toastmaster of the day role again.! Dear ToastMaster I am sure you have got integrated in to my life!

How am I?

Absolutely fanatic and stupid! I am mad about it. I am not saying about Varanam Ayiram . But my job  – Its been close to four months since I got that change. Looking back I haven’t raised to my expectations. But I have improved (Phew thats very good to feel!) Thats one reason why look so enthusiastic and romantic (Ha ha ..Yep!).

I for sure live in a dream world in these days. Neither at work nor at personal level – there aint any unnecessary worries for me.But this flu and cough took two months of my time and slowed down my pace a bit. Now with things going the right way Its going to be great two months ahead  – My first date with systems programming and linux in particular.

This post must be a reminder for myself of my mission and goal. I have got a PCI-E switch at work and I have also written a platform driver and I need to make it working today. I enjoy debugging more than coding and in a way its the skill a system programmer needs to be sharp. I look forward for lot of problems and discoveries. Its only going to be two and just two months so each and every second with it must be respected.

And thats how I am! When i look at the previous posts of mine and compare them with the previous six months I know and I feel that I am on my tracks and that lays my track ahead!

As obama says “Yes we can”!